So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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