if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
