Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
