If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
