I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
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