My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
