Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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