the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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