Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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