You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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