After last night, I could never be a politician.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Randomize
