Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
