Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
