I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
