i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
