If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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