It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
