She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
