Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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