Where did you get a picture of my penis
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
