my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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