Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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