Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
