Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
