I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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