I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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