I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
