I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
