Duck Duck Cougar?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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