apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
