the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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