This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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