why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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