I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
