So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
