Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
is it fun? or sober?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
