Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
