Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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