I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
