I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
