I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
