Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
