dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
