Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
