You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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