DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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