My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
