I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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