I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
