I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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