so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
