Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
